Parts of my life journey...(get ready... it gets lengthy)!
I grew up in a very STRICT Lutheran Home (WELS Synod).
Went to a Lutheran School from pre-school until 8th grade. Attended church every Sunday. Mom read devotions out of a book each night at dinner. To the outside world, had the picture perfect family. The picture perfect life.
From the inside...
Dad never showed us what a real relationship with Christ was or the biblical way for a 'man to be the head of the household'.
He was the 'head of the house' alright. Controlling in every kind of way. Called all the shots no matter what. Was in 100% control of the money, even giving my mom an allowance, a set amount of money each week and if she ran out of money that was to bad and he would only buy groceries once a week, her money was to go to the rest that he didn't want to buy. The 'head' that says his wife will serve him...he wakes up. demands breakfast. his lunch is already packed (because my mom was up hours before him) and ready to go. clothes all laid out and ironed. went to work. came home. most of the time in a bad mood. everyone had to walk on eggshells. sat on his recliner. turned on the tv. yelled for a drink. mom rushed in with one. yelled for anything else. mom ran to get it. dinners ready. all sit together. no one talks. he talks. no one answers. if we do and don't say the right thing the rest of the night is ruined. finally mom reads devotions, he would usually head off to the recliner as soon as she started. dinner is done. we (mom sister and I) clean up the table. off to bed.
That was a typical day for us.
I am all for serving my husband but do it out of love and he has a huge amount of appreciation for me. My dad on the other hand, had no appreciation for my mom, he treated her like she was his servant and was very cruel to her and to us.
Childhood: I don't remember much. It seems like all a blur. There were a few good memories growing up in the cities. Family Bike rides. Pool Days. Eating corn on the cob outside on hot summer days. (These things I treasure in my heart).
The good days seemed to die quickly when we moved to Marshall when I was in 4th grade.
But still a few more good memories. I was allowed to buy my 1st horse, I had a newspaper route, saved my money and finally bought one! Prior to that saved every penny to take riding lessons and leased my first horse from Sandy.
We played outside a lot. Family vacationed to Pennsylvania once a year. Had a treasure club. Had the animal world; any animal we could possibly find came to live in the side room off our porch. Got to have bunnies! A mini Rex and a Dutch. (I felt a sense of safety with these animals, I could hold them, pet them, ride my horse and all my fears would go away). But the memories turned into a lot of memories with my mom, my sister and my friends. I have very few memories that included my dad anymore.
When things got real rough...
I was in 8th grade. The fighting between my mom and dad was an everyday occurrence. screaming. yelling. cursing at each other. and then the violence began. It would happen between mom and dad. And between Dad and Me. Mom would always take us and leave after a huge fight happened. She would always promise me she would never let it happen again.
The summer before my freshman year in high school...
This was the start to my life changing events. Mom was diagnosed with bipolar depression after she tried to kill herself (I witnessed it) she was hospitalized for a few weeks.
I attended the CLYF youth group camp in Iowa (Early June), this was a huge thing for me. At the camp I really learned how to pray from my roommate there and I asked Jesus to come into my life and started my day to day with life with Jesus again..
While I was there I got a call from my dad asking if I knew where my mom was. Um no. of course I wouldn't I'm hours away from home. Come home. Find out my mom left with my sister and headed to Pennsylvania. She got divorces papers and sent them to my dad.
She lived out there with my sister for the summer. Dad refused the papers. Made mom send Halie home (got social workers involved) saying how unstable she was. Halie flew home on an airplane by herself (she was in 3rd grade). Then dad flew out to PA and stayed for 1 month and Halie and I were shipped from house to house. He talked mom into coming home. Supposted to fly home on 9.11.11. That didn't happen. They stayed in PA for a few more weeks until they were able to fly again.
The questions were rolling all summer. Why would my mom abandoned me and leave me with this monster. Why would my dad do all these terrible awful things to me and to my mom (a lot of verbal and physical abuse which sent my mom over the edge and she ran away).
But I am so thankful for that camp which I always had the constant reminder that Jesus loves me more than anyone and he had his arms wrapped around me.
High school was a spiritual rollercoaster, I started to blame God for the way I was treated. I was living with a monster, who physically assaulted his wife and his daughter (me) on frequent occasions. How could this be possible. I felt like no one loved me.
I went to college, went to the U of M in Crookston to play softball, but started making bad choices. Started drinking. Went to all the parties. Dated a lot of guys. And found out that summer in June that I was 3 months pregnant. (I knew the dad for 4 months before I got pregnant). Come home to tell my parents. They were devastated. Something no one in our family has done. There is no option other than to get married. Get married to man identical to my dad. Justin. Physically and verbally abusive from about the 2nd month of dating. Pushed me down a set of stairs knowing I was pregnant. Drinking. Partying.
Police were called to my parents house the night before our wedding because he was drunk and throw an old fashioned milk jug at one of my bridesmaids and injured her. Knew I should get out and get away. Didn't. Got married Sept. 4, 2005.
Jan. 20, 2006 I gave birth to the one of the best gifts God has given to me. My daughter. Ashtyn. She showed me what love was. The best thing that happened in my life.
After 1 year of lies, cheating , and a lot of physical abuse finally by the grace of God I got out. Divorce was over finally in 2007.
Ashtyn and I moved home when Ashtyn was 10 months old. I had my 2nd restraining order on Justin. It was just Ashtyn and I. My dad refused to let me live with them for longer than 1 month. My parents were so angry that I split my family up. It didn't matter what kind of abuse that Ashtyn and I suffered you don't split your family up.
I was so angry. How can your own parents kick you and their granddaughter out, with nothing. We literally had a few clothes and my car.
Looking back now, I am so glad he did. We moved into a townhome, I got a job at US Bank, put my daughter into daycare for the 1st time. SO hard. Started garage sailing. Bought my own table. Bought my own couch. Everything I had, I had worked so hard for it and it felt so good and rewarding to know that I could take care of us. For the 1st time in my life I realized that.. that I didn't need a man to take care of me.
During the process of moving home TJ and I started talking again (he was my high school sweetheart (we dated during our freshman and sophomore year).
God's timing is always perfect, and he put TJ back in my life at the perfect timing. We started going to church together, praying together, reading devotions together, our friendship turned into something more... romantic feelings and we started dating.
But I still made bad choices, and we found out I was pregnant in October 2007.
TJ and I suffered a lot of cruelty from family (mainly I did). I was getting blamed that I 'got pregnant on purpose'. I was treated awful. But thankfully TJ stuck by my side, was my rock.
We had our sweet baby boy, Brayden on June 20, 2008.
We continued to grow together as a couple becoming stronger and stronger. TJ asked me to be his wife in August 2008.
On November 15, 2008, the best day of my life. TJ and I got married in Baja, Mexico. It was the most beautiful day I could have ever dreamed of. Surrounded by love.
Things were great for a long time.
Saturday, October 2nd, 2010. Looking back, this was the biggest life changing event in my life.
This was the last time I have spoken to my dad. I was 25 weeks pregnant with our 3rd baby.
It was TJ's 1st night in the field harvesting and it was SMSU's homecoming Football game. I took the kids with grandma Shelly to the game.
After the game I went over to my parents house, I needed to print something off for church (we didn't have internet at the time). I brought laptop and printer inside, went to the kitchen and set it on the table. I left Ashtyn and Bradyen in truck, my mom went outside to go into the truck with the kids (Brayden was sleeping). I yelled out to my mom not to take anything from the truck then continued back inside. My dad walked into the kitchen very upset, we exchanged words which I can't remember and we got into a heated argument quickly. I do not remember much, I remember him throwing the printer onto the ground and I yelled at him. From that point on I just remember bits and pieces, I remember him holding me on the ground by my hair and one hand on my chest. I remember him punching my face at least 2 times. At some point I grabbed my phone, dialed 911, he got it and through it into the other room which disconnected the call. I ran to the door, he grabbed me and through me down onto the ground again. I was trying to hit him, scratch him, do whatever I could to get away from him. I remember screaming for help. He hit my face again, I remember trying to get up and he kicked me in the stomach a few times. I don't know how I ever did get out of the house.
I got my phone and stumbled outside, my mom came running to me. She saw all the blood and begged me to not say anything to the police. I threw up. Ashtyn (4 years old) got out of the truck and came running over crying, within seconds police arrived.
They called an ambulance. They put me in the ambulance and Ashtyn rode with me. Brayden stayed at the house with a police officer in his car until Halie got there.
My dad was sitting inside watching everything happen.
We got to the hospital, I was in a huge amount of pain. My sweet girl sat beside me being so brave. TJ finally showed up. Doctor after doctor came in the room. Pictures taken. X-rays. Ultrasounds. C-T scans. Police came. More pictures taken.
Diagnosis: Concussion. patch of hair missing on the top of head. swelling and bruising on and over right eye. bruising on chest. cut and swelling on right wrist. bruising on back. bruising on neck. bruising on abdomen. bruising on left thigh. KB (Kleihauer Belke) test is positive (the babies blood and my blood is mixing) making me have contractions. high risk for miscarriage. I am admitted to the hospital.
Stayed in the hospital until Monday afternoon. Discharged. Put on bed rest.
The feelings I felt were indescribable. I was in so much pain. I was so sad. So embarrassed that this happened to me. Wanted to be loved. Wanted to make everything better. Wanted my mom to come and tell me things were going to be ok (she didn't talk to me until Monday morning, said that I shouldn't have made him mad and it was my fault). So overwhelmed. I have to be a mom to two sweet babes and how am I going to do this on bed rest. Plus I'm a mess. I want family. I wanted help so badly. But felt so alone. No one had any words they could say that made this huge hole in my heart feel better. I cried. a lot. Couldn't sleep at night, dreams that he was coming to hurt me again. Felt so helpless.
We met with our Pastor a few times. Helped a little bit. Kept having contractions. Hospitalized 2 more times, precious tiny baby arrived into this world 6 weeks early on December 5, 2010. Another perfect and precious gift for God.
He was so tiny 4lbs 10 oz. This sweet innocent baby was struggling to breathe. Struggling to live. He was airlifted to Avera in Sioux Falls where he spent 12 days in the NICU.
Finally we come home. Home for 1 week. Peyton quit breathing several times. Took him to the hospital. He flat lined. He was admitted, the 2nd day there after they could barely revive him they transferred him to the Children's Hospital in St. Paul where he spent 1 week there.
Finally figured out how to get his breathing under control.
Still feeling very helpless and so sad for my tiny baby. Who did nothing to deserve this. I still can't describe the feelings I had for my dad. How could a dad do this to his pregnant daughter, and by beating her he put her into labor and now his grandson is having to struggle to live. Still having a lot of guilt for going to his house that day, feeling like it was my fault that my dad hit me and kicked me and feeling like it was my fault for my tiny baby to be struggling for life. I wanted a dad so badly. I still hadn't talked to him and it was the middle of Jan. 2011. I was wanting him to apologize to make things better. It didn't happen. I wanted to fix it. But how? I never did press charges, I did file for a restraining order and got it. The county attorney ended up pressing charges on my dad, the court cases lasted for months and months, the tried charging him with attempted manslaughter, after lots of persuading, our prior pastor testifying how 'good of guy he was' and numerous friends of his saying he is not an evil person the judge convicted him with 6th degree assault. I had mixed emotions on this as well.
This is when I really started talking to God. Spent a lot of time in prayer.
I don't know when it happened...almost half a year later (took some time) but I finally started praying for my dad. Praying that he will come to know the God that I now know.
I had a relationship with Jesus prior to this but since this happened to me that relationship changed 100%. Which is hard to even explain. But for the 1st time in my life Jesus became my daddy, my best friend. I realized that I am truly loved no matter what I have done, no matter what has been done to me. By his grace he has forgiven me for everything I have done, for all the bad choices that I made in my life. He did these things for me because of his unconditional love for me. He showed me that he loves me as his daughter for who I am.
When I started praying for my dad I felt a huge weight lifted on my shoulders. The more I prayed for him and spoke to Jesus the better I started to feel.
I then forgave my dad, with my whole heart. My dad has never asked me for my forgiveness, but I knew that I needed to forgive. For myself, for my kids and my relationship with TJ. I needed to hand it all over to Jesus and let the healing really being. This took me a long time to do and to get to this point. My dad doesn't know that I have forgiven him, he doesn't know where my heart is. But Jesus and I do. My family does. My children know that I have forgiven him. I wrote a different post about 'forgiveness and repentance' click here to read it.
I pray that someday he will find Jesus and have that amazing relationship with him. I pray that my mom will be able to protect herself and that someday we can have a relationship. I know that Jesus has a plan for my life. I know that he has given me more than I could ever ask for, 3 amazing beautiful children, a husband that loves me, and the best of all eternal life with him.
This devastating day for me, Oct. 2, 2010 changed my life forever, in the best way. It showed me how I can find a way to glorify God, how to be a better wife and a better mom and know the real meaning of love, repentance and forgiveness.
I used to feel like all those struggles and trials in my life were huge mountains and I wasn't sure how I would ever make it to the top and get over it to see the other side.
I finally realized what it means to give it all to Jesus, my whole heart, all my fears. I can 100% feel Jesus' loving arms wrapped around me as he carries me over those mountains.
I grew up in a very STRICT Lutheran Home (WELS Synod).
Went to a Lutheran School from pre-school until 8th grade. Attended church every Sunday. Mom read devotions out of a book each night at dinner. To the outside world, had the picture perfect family. The picture perfect life.
From the inside...
Dad never showed us what a real relationship with Christ was or the biblical way for a 'man to be the head of the household'.
He was the 'head of the house' alright. Controlling in every kind of way. Called all the shots no matter what. Was in 100% control of the money, even giving my mom an allowance, a set amount of money each week and if she ran out of money that was to bad and he would only buy groceries once a week, her money was to go to the rest that he didn't want to buy. The 'head' that says his wife will serve him...he wakes up. demands breakfast. his lunch is already packed (because my mom was up hours before him) and ready to go. clothes all laid out and ironed. went to work. came home. most of the time in a bad mood. everyone had to walk on eggshells. sat on his recliner. turned on the tv. yelled for a drink. mom rushed in with one. yelled for anything else. mom ran to get it. dinners ready. all sit together. no one talks. he talks. no one answers. if we do and don't say the right thing the rest of the night is ruined. finally mom reads devotions, he would usually head off to the recliner as soon as she started. dinner is done. we (mom sister and I) clean up the table. off to bed.
That was a typical day for us.
I am all for serving my husband but do it out of love and he has a huge amount of appreciation for me. My dad on the other hand, had no appreciation for my mom, he treated her like she was his servant and was very cruel to her and to us.
Childhood: I don't remember much. It seems like all a blur. There were a few good memories growing up in the cities. Family Bike rides. Pool Days. Eating corn on the cob outside on hot summer days. (These things I treasure in my heart).
The good days seemed to die quickly when we moved to Marshall when I was in 4th grade.
But still a few more good memories. I was allowed to buy my 1st horse, I had a newspaper route, saved my money and finally bought one! Prior to that saved every penny to take riding lessons and leased my first horse from Sandy.
We played outside a lot. Family vacationed to Pennsylvania once a year. Had a treasure club. Had the animal world; any animal we could possibly find came to live in the side room off our porch. Got to have bunnies! A mini Rex and a Dutch. (I felt a sense of safety with these animals, I could hold them, pet them, ride my horse and all my fears would go away). But the memories turned into a lot of memories with my mom, my sister and my friends. I have very few memories that included my dad anymore.
When things got real rough...
I was in 8th grade. The fighting between my mom and dad was an everyday occurrence. screaming. yelling. cursing at each other. and then the violence began. It would happen between mom and dad. And between Dad and Me. Mom would always take us and leave after a huge fight happened. She would always promise me she would never let it happen again.
The summer before my freshman year in high school...
This was the start to my life changing events. Mom was diagnosed with bipolar depression after she tried to kill herself (I witnessed it) she was hospitalized for a few weeks.
I attended the CLYF youth group camp in Iowa (Early June), this was a huge thing for me. At the camp I really learned how to pray from my roommate there and I asked Jesus to come into my life and started my day to day with life with Jesus again..
While I was there I got a call from my dad asking if I knew where my mom was. Um no. of course I wouldn't I'm hours away from home. Come home. Find out my mom left with my sister and headed to Pennsylvania. She got divorces papers and sent them to my dad.
She lived out there with my sister for the summer. Dad refused the papers. Made mom send Halie home (got social workers involved) saying how unstable she was. Halie flew home on an airplane by herself (she was in 3rd grade). Then dad flew out to PA and stayed for 1 month and Halie and I were shipped from house to house. He talked mom into coming home. Supposted to fly home on 9.11.11. That didn't happen. They stayed in PA for a few more weeks until they were able to fly again.
The questions were rolling all summer. Why would my mom abandoned me and leave me with this monster. Why would my dad do all these terrible awful things to me and to my mom (a lot of verbal and physical abuse which sent my mom over the edge and she ran away).
But I am so thankful for that camp which I always had the constant reminder that Jesus loves me more than anyone and he had his arms wrapped around me.
High school was a spiritual rollercoaster, I started to blame God for the way I was treated. I was living with a monster, who physically assaulted his wife and his daughter (me) on frequent occasions. How could this be possible. I felt like no one loved me.
I went to college, went to the U of M in Crookston to play softball, but started making bad choices. Started drinking. Went to all the parties. Dated a lot of guys. And found out that summer in June that I was 3 months pregnant. (I knew the dad for 4 months before I got pregnant). Come home to tell my parents. They were devastated. Something no one in our family has done. There is no option other than to get married. Get married to man identical to my dad. Justin. Physically and verbally abusive from about the 2nd month of dating. Pushed me down a set of stairs knowing I was pregnant. Drinking. Partying.
Police were called to my parents house the night before our wedding because he was drunk and throw an old fashioned milk jug at one of my bridesmaids and injured her. Knew I should get out and get away. Didn't. Got married Sept. 4, 2005.
Jan. 20, 2006 I gave birth to the one of the best gifts God has given to me. My daughter. Ashtyn. She showed me what love was. The best thing that happened in my life.
After 1 year of lies, cheating , and a lot of physical abuse finally by the grace of God I got out. Divorce was over finally in 2007.
Ashtyn and I moved home when Ashtyn was 10 months old. I had my 2nd restraining order on Justin. It was just Ashtyn and I. My dad refused to let me live with them for longer than 1 month. My parents were so angry that I split my family up. It didn't matter what kind of abuse that Ashtyn and I suffered you don't split your family up.
I was so angry. How can your own parents kick you and their granddaughter out, with nothing. We literally had a few clothes and my car.
Looking back now, I am so glad he did. We moved into a townhome, I got a job at US Bank, put my daughter into daycare for the 1st time. SO hard. Started garage sailing. Bought my own table. Bought my own couch. Everything I had, I had worked so hard for it and it felt so good and rewarding to know that I could take care of us. For the 1st time in my life I realized that.. that I didn't need a man to take care of me.
During the process of moving home TJ and I started talking again (he was my high school sweetheart (we dated during our freshman and sophomore year).
God's timing is always perfect, and he put TJ back in my life at the perfect timing. We started going to church together, praying together, reading devotions together, our friendship turned into something more... romantic feelings and we started dating.
But I still made bad choices, and we found out I was pregnant in October 2007.
TJ and I suffered a lot of cruelty from family (mainly I did). I was getting blamed that I 'got pregnant on purpose'. I was treated awful. But thankfully TJ stuck by my side, was my rock.
We had our sweet baby boy, Brayden on June 20, 2008.
We continued to grow together as a couple becoming stronger and stronger. TJ asked me to be his wife in August 2008.
On November 15, 2008, the best day of my life. TJ and I got married in Baja, Mexico. It was the most beautiful day I could have ever dreamed of. Surrounded by love.
Things were great for a long time.
Saturday, October 2nd, 2010. Looking back, this was the biggest life changing event in my life.
This was the last time I have spoken to my dad. I was 25 weeks pregnant with our 3rd baby.
It was TJ's 1st night in the field harvesting and it was SMSU's homecoming Football game. I took the kids with grandma Shelly to the game.
After the game I went over to my parents house, I needed to print something off for church (we didn't have internet at the time). I brought laptop and printer inside, went to the kitchen and set it on the table. I left Ashtyn and Bradyen in truck, my mom went outside to go into the truck with the kids (Brayden was sleeping). I yelled out to my mom not to take anything from the truck then continued back inside. My dad walked into the kitchen very upset, we exchanged words which I can't remember and we got into a heated argument quickly. I do not remember much, I remember him throwing the printer onto the ground and I yelled at him. From that point on I just remember bits and pieces, I remember him holding me on the ground by my hair and one hand on my chest. I remember him punching my face at least 2 times. At some point I grabbed my phone, dialed 911, he got it and through it into the other room which disconnected the call. I ran to the door, he grabbed me and through me down onto the ground again. I was trying to hit him, scratch him, do whatever I could to get away from him. I remember screaming for help. He hit my face again, I remember trying to get up and he kicked me in the stomach a few times. I don't know how I ever did get out of the house.
I got my phone and stumbled outside, my mom came running to me. She saw all the blood and begged me to not say anything to the police. I threw up. Ashtyn (4 years old) got out of the truck and came running over crying, within seconds police arrived.
They called an ambulance. They put me in the ambulance and Ashtyn rode with me. Brayden stayed at the house with a police officer in his car until Halie got there.
My dad was sitting inside watching everything happen.
We got to the hospital, I was in a huge amount of pain. My sweet girl sat beside me being so brave. TJ finally showed up. Doctor after doctor came in the room. Pictures taken. X-rays. Ultrasounds. C-T scans. Police came. More pictures taken.
Diagnosis: Concussion. patch of hair missing on the top of head. swelling and bruising on and over right eye. bruising on chest. cut and swelling on right wrist. bruising on back. bruising on neck. bruising on abdomen. bruising on left thigh. KB (Kleihauer Belke) test is positive (the babies blood and my blood is mixing) making me have contractions. high risk for miscarriage. I am admitted to the hospital.
Stayed in the hospital until Monday afternoon. Discharged. Put on bed rest.
The feelings I felt were indescribable. I was in so much pain. I was so sad. So embarrassed that this happened to me. Wanted to be loved. Wanted to make everything better. Wanted my mom to come and tell me things were going to be ok (she didn't talk to me until Monday morning, said that I shouldn't have made him mad and it was my fault). So overwhelmed. I have to be a mom to two sweet babes and how am I going to do this on bed rest. Plus I'm a mess. I want family. I wanted help so badly. But felt so alone. No one had any words they could say that made this huge hole in my heart feel better. I cried. a lot. Couldn't sleep at night, dreams that he was coming to hurt me again. Felt so helpless.
We met with our Pastor a few times. Helped a little bit. Kept having contractions. Hospitalized 2 more times, precious tiny baby arrived into this world 6 weeks early on December 5, 2010. Another perfect and precious gift for God.
He was so tiny 4lbs 10 oz. This sweet innocent baby was struggling to breathe. Struggling to live. He was airlifted to Avera in Sioux Falls where he spent 12 days in the NICU.
Finally we come home. Home for 1 week. Peyton quit breathing several times. Took him to the hospital. He flat lined. He was admitted, the 2nd day there after they could barely revive him they transferred him to the Children's Hospital in St. Paul where he spent 1 week there.
Finally figured out how to get his breathing under control.
Still feeling very helpless and so sad for my tiny baby. Who did nothing to deserve this. I still can't describe the feelings I had for my dad. How could a dad do this to his pregnant daughter, and by beating her he put her into labor and now his grandson is having to struggle to live. Still having a lot of guilt for going to his house that day, feeling like it was my fault that my dad hit me and kicked me and feeling like it was my fault for my tiny baby to be struggling for life. I wanted a dad so badly. I still hadn't talked to him and it was the middle of Jan. 2011. I was wanting him to apologize to make things better. It didn't happen. I wanted to fix it. But how? I never did press charges, I did file for a restraining order and got it. The county attorney ended up pressing charges on my dad, the court cases lasted for months and months, the tried charging him with attempted manslaughter, after lots of persuading, our prior pastor testifying how 'good of guy he was' and numerous friends of his saying he is not an evil person the judge convicted him with 6th degree assault. I had mixed emotions on this as well.
This is when I really started talking to God. Spent a lot of time in prayer.
I don't know when it happened...almost half a year later (took some time) but I finally started praying for my dad. Praying that he will come to know the God that I now know.
I had a relationship with Jesus prior to this but since this happened to me that relationship changed 100%. Which is hard to even explain. But for the 1st time in my life Jesus became my daddy, my best friend. I realized that I am truly loved no matter what I have done, no matter what has been done to me. By his grace he has forgiven me for everything I have done, for all the bad choices that I made in my life. He did these things for me because of his unconditional love for me. He showed me that he loves me as his daughter for who I am.
When I started praying for my dad I felt a huge weight lifted on my shoulders. The more I prayed for him and spoke to Jesus the better I started to feel.
I then forgave my dad, with my whole heart. My dad has never asked me for my forgiveness, but I knew that I needed to forgive. For myself, for my kids and my relationship with TJ. I needed to hand it all over to Jesus and let the healing really being. This took me a long time to do and to get to this point. My dad doesn't know that I have forgiven him, he doesn't know where my heart is. But Jesus and I do. My family does. My children know that I have forgiven him. I wrote a different post about 'forgiveness and repentance' click here to read it.
I pray that someday he will find Jesus and have that amazing relationship with him. I pray that my mom will be able to protect herself and that someday we can have a relationship. I know that Jesus has a plan for my life. I know that he has given me more than I could ever ask for, 3 amazing beautiful children, a husband that loves me, and the best of all eternal life with him.
This devastating day for me, Oct. 2, 2010 changed my life forever, in the best way. It showed me how I can find a way to glorify God, how to be a better wife and a better mom and know the real meaning of love, repentance and forgiveness.
I used to feel like all those struggles and trials in my life were huge mountains and I wasn't sure how I would ever make it to the top and get over it to see the other side.
I finally realized what it means to give it all to Jesus, my whole heart, all my fears. I can 100% feel Jesus' loving arms wrapped around me as he carries me over those mountains.
